Ever left a conversation feeling confused & questioning your memory? You're not alone. This is a deep, philosophical guide to understanding gaslighting. We explore what it is, why it happens, and how to build an unshakeable inner reality to protect your peace.
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation so surreal, so utterly baffling, that you began to question your own mind? You state a fact—a thing you know was said, an event you know occurred—only to be met with a flat denial. "That never happened." "You're imagining things." "You're being far too sensitive."
The frustration is maddening. It’s a profound, isolating confusion that can make you wish, as I have many times, that you had an objective recording of reality just to prove you’re not going crazy.
This experience, this deliberate erosion of your reality, has a name: gaslighting.
In recent years, the term has become a cultural buzzword, often used casually to describe any disagreement or lie. But to trivialise it is to miss its deeply corrosive nature. Gaslighting isn't just a lie. It's not a simple disagreement. It is a profound philosophical and psychological assault. It is a sustained campaign, whether conscious or not, to dismantle your trust in your own perception, your own memory, and ultimately, your own sanity.
This article is not just a dictionary definition. It is an exploration of this unseen erosion. We will look at it through a philosophical lens, examining what it is, how to spot its subtle script, and why it happens. We'll also explore the complex, painful scenarios it thrives in—at work, in friendships, and with family. Crucially, we will compassionately untangle the agonising difference between deliberate, malicious gaslighting and the genuine, frightening memory loss associated with cognitive decline, such as dementia.
Most importantly, this is an empowering guide. It is a practical toolkit for building what I call your inner architect—a sense of self so strong, so grounded in your own truth, that no one else can tear it down.
The term originates from the 1938 play (and 1944 film) Gas Light, in which a husband systematically manipulates his wife's environment, dimming the gas lights in their home and then denying her reality when she mentions it. His goal is to make her believe she is insane so he can steal from her.
It’s an attack on your very perception. A lie says, "This is not true." Gaslighting says, "Your ability to know what is true is broken." It's designed to make you feel isolated, confused, and unstable, forcing you to become dependent on the gaslighter as the sole arbiter of truth. This is why it feels so profoundly violating—it’s not just an attack on your opinion, but on your mind.
Gaslighting is rarely a single, dramatic event. It’s a slow, insidious drip, a series of subtle manipulations that build over time. Recognising the script is the first step to reclaiming your power.
This tactic minimises your feelings to make you feel invalid.
This is the most direct form, where the gaslighter flatly denies your reality.
When challenged, they change the subject, question your mind, or turn the tables.
This involves feigning a lack of understanding or refusing to engage, making you doubt the validity of your own thoughts.
In intimate or family relationships, this is a particularly cruel tactic that uses affection as leverage.
Understanding the "why" is not about excusing the behaviour, but about demystifying it. Gaslighting is almost always about one thing: control.
The person gaslighting often acts from a place of deep-seated insecurity, a fragile ego, or, in some cases, a personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). They need to control the narrative to feel secure. By dismantling your reality, they make you dependent on theirs. This dependency gives them a profound sense of power.
Their "truth" becomes the only truth, and your role is to accept it. This dynamic traps you in a distorted world of their making, where your self-worth is tied to their approval.
Back to TopThis is one of the most painful and confusing scenarios. What happens when the person denying your reality is an elderly parent or loved one you suspect is in cognitive decline? The feeling—the frustration and self-doubt—can be identical to gaslighting. But the intent is worlds apart.
How can you begin to tell the difference? Look for the broader pattern.
If you suspect cognitive decline, the path forward is not boundaries; it's compassion, patience, and professional medical assessment. This is not a battle to win, but a tragedy to be navigated with love.
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If you have identified that what you are experiencing is not cognitive decline, but is a pattern of deliberate manipulation, you must understand this: You cannot win the argument. Stop trying.
The gaslighter is not playing by the rules of logic or truth. They are in a game to win control. The only way to win is to refuse to play.
The ultimate defence against gaslighting is not to change their mind, but to make your own mind unchangeable. You must build an inner architect—a sense of self so strong that their attempts to erode it are as futile as trying to erode a mountain with a whisper.
This is your first and most powerful tool. You feel that "wish for a recording"? Be your own. Get a journal. After a confusing interaction, write down exactly what was said, what was done, and how it made you feel. This is not "evidence" to use in a future fight. It is validation for you. When you feel the fog of self-doubt creeping in days later, you can return to your own words, written in your own hand, and anchor yourself in your reality.
The gaslighter wants you to engage. They feed on your emotional reaction—your frustration, your tears, your anger. It proves to them that they have power over your emotional state. Your most powerful move is to disengage from the argument.
Isolation is the gaslighter's greatest weapon. If they can make you believe you are the only one who sees their behaviour, you are more likely to believe their version of reality. Reach out to a trusted, objective third party—a friend, a therapist, a family member who is not in the gaslighter's orbit. Explain the situation, not for gossip, but for a sanity check. "I had this interaction, and I'm feeling confused. This is what I experienced... does that sound reasonable to you?" This simple act of external validation can be a lifeline, reminding you that you are not crazy.
Back to TopBeing gaslit is incredibly frustrating. As I've experienced, it's hard to forget what happened and how it made you feel. It changes your perception of that person. When this happens, I have to take time to reflect. If I don't, the negative thoughts creep in, and I find myself wanting to withdraw from that person completely.
This is where The Bar Raiser Mindset principles of Continuous Improvement and Protecting Your Energy become vital.
You cannot control another person's attempts to rewrite reality. You can only control the strength and integrity of your own.
To experience gaslighting is to feel a deep and painful invalidation. It does not make you weak or "crazy" to be affected by it; it makes you human. But your strength is not measured by your ability to win the argument. Your strength is measured by your ability to build, trust, and defend your own inner architect.
The journey of building this unshakeable sense of self is the ultimate act of self-sovereignty. It is the commitment to becoming your own, unassailable source of truth. Your reality is not up for negotiation.
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